My hands are itching to type.

My handwriting has been sloppy. Lazy. With every loop and curve, it spells indifference. I’m tired of this school and the crappiness that comes along with a second semester of class. The assignments are mundane, the work is just busy work.

My english teacher takes more days off than one of my classmates, who misses at least one day of school a week. When she graduates, she wants to become a teacher. The teacher told us flat out that he hates teaching the book we are reading. He flat out told us that he hates teaching seniors. Perfect. What a morale booster.

A few days ago I woke up in one of “those” moods; I do not like the way my life is…short term wise. I’m fine with my future plans but I am not happy with the “now”. Maybe it’s one of those not yet quarter-life crisis deals. Who the fuck knows. The indifference to things is seriously ruining my mood.

Blah. I hope seeing Mark snaps me out of this. I love hearing his voice. I love our conversations about nothing. I just need that security that comes with his touch.

Calm before the storm.

3 February 2008

This odd calmness has descended upon me. I bet a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s coming back and hopefully things will fall back into that routine schedule that I became so accustomed to when he was in Alabama. If all goes well, my second home will be with him.

But this is the part where I think about it and decide that what I’m thinking off seems to be too easy…too good to be true. I suppose it’s good to question things in life. Nothing is easy. But I also suppose that it slowly becomes a bit of a hassle, a disheartening routine that I am always part of. But this is much better than having to watch him walk away, knowing full well that I’d regret it later.

I always think about how we were when we first starting dating. There would be moments of pure bliss, romance that he thought he was incapable of. But then there were moments where I just wanted to strangle him out of pure frustration. I don’t think he realized that. But I also don’t think that I let him know it bothered me. Mostly because I didn’t know why it bothered me, or if there really was something to be bothered about in the first place.

In a new favorite song, the lyrics say that “regrets are better left unspoken”. I don’t believe that it is talking about serious regrets, but the “everyday regrets,” like wishing you had kissed longer, or held on tighter, or said that one extra sentence. “I’ll mend myself before it gets me” is another favorite part of the song. I’ll work on me and make sure that I’m feeling fine. And I’ll keep mending myself and not let any of this get me. The song isn’t sad, it just says that in the end, you can rise above it all.

I ramble and I realize that. I’ve actually noticed that my emotions have been weird. Well, not emotions really, but moods. I can be laughing hysterically at one point, but give me an hour or two to calm down, and suddenly I am on a whole new wave of thoughts and emotions. But I’ll still be calm throughout it all.

I’m looking for someone. I’ve been looking for that someone since I’ve been little. I don’t even know what I want that someone to be. I know I need a friend. Not like the ones I have, but someone that will say “Listen, I know what you’re talking about. This is the way I see it, but I won’t rub it in and I won’t put my expectations on your shoulders”.

Maybe it’s a far fetched idea.

My friend and I had a discussion about not believing in the Christian God. She asked me if I had faith in anything. “Cows, socks…anything Maria?” I suppose I have faith in people…humans. Maybe I’m just naive but I believe that we aren’t horrible beings. We don’t come out of the womb with hate, destruction, and disease programmed into our small brains. We come out wanting love, warmth, and protection. I suppose I have faith in the peoples ability to one day see the consequences of everything and help one another. Of course, there will be those that refuse, but it just takes one to do good….

The bed’s calling. I definitely wish he was there. I miss the warmth of a body. Breath and heart sounding in unison. I can keep dreaming….

This is almost easy.

13 January 2008

We’re “fine” but I’m done being who I was. I’m done putting forth all my energy into this. I’m done refreshing the page, waiting for him to message me back. I’m done trying to keep the conversations going.

This is my senior year. I should be putting my energy into my grades and the friends that I have.

This is all still sketchy to me but I’m done talking about this over the phone. I’m going to wait until I *possibly* get there and then discuss it from there.

Honestly, I was wrong in snooping. There was never anything weird that could have ticked me off. One day, I just decided to dig around. So yes, I was wrong in that. But I know I’m not wrong in questioning. And I do not regret it one bit. I refuse to sit back and just watch things happen. I need to be informed. Especially when I’m putting all my eggs in one basket.

Last night he messaged me so I messaged him back with my answer and the answer was pretty solid; there wasn’t a question, there wasn’t anything that would require a response on his side. But he responded to me again, with another question. Again, I just answered it pretty close ended. And he just kept responding even when there wouldnt be room for a response. It’s time for him to initiate conversations, to tell me what’s going on.

I think I’ve taken the duty of the ever patient girlfriend too seriously.

It’s his turn to worry.

I’m still very disappointed.

Very, very disappointed.

I feel pressure in my chest, my heart beats weird. I’m going insane.

Again, I’m just so god damn disappointed.

I’m waiting for his answer. He has to tell me everything, explain it all. I don’t care. He has to.

I’m also a bit disappointed with myself. I already knew something about it. I should’ve pressed some more. I shouldn’t have given in so easily.

My gym teacher, whom I have had all four years of high school, said a funny thing on Monday regarding my relationship; “If you get through this, you can get through anything”.

Foreboding..Forshadowing…whatever.

I just need a good, solid explanation.

I’m honestly sick of this.

M&M’s are crazy.

6 January 2008

So I keep thinking about the whole star thing and, after seeing an m&m commercial, I thought “heck, why not costumize the m&m’s for him. he likes them”. Well, after customizing it and going to the package option, I see that four, 7 oz. packs would cost me $70 with shipping.

WTF?

M&m’s arent even that good to pay that much for. I would pay that much for Godiva chocolate only. And he’d eat those 7 oz packs in three seconds and ask me if I have any more.

So screw this. I’m gonna go buy some star shaped bowl/bottle or whatever, buy bags of m&m’s and pick out all the yellow ones. Then, I’ll get some stationary, write a lovely message on it and there.

Stupid Mars company.

& I’m doing just fine.

30 December 2007

I really wasn’t expecting the jewelry. I know he asked me about the type that I prefer once but I wasn’t expecting to get anything right now.

So now I have to figure out what to put together for him. I think it’s easier to shop for girls. Chocolate and jewelry and voila.

26 December 2007

I really do despise my fight or flight instinct. It’s not so much of an instinct as it is a nuance.

Recently, I’ve been upset about our communication and all these vile things have been coming to my mind. And the fact that we don’t talk as much as we used to reminded me of the time, in the beginning of our relationship, where he didn’t talk to me much either. I was sooooo close to breaking up with him. Not because I didn’t like him, but because I couldn’t “fight” the communication problem. For some reason I couldn’t come up to him and say “Hey, you! Talk to me for god’s sake”.

The same thing kind of happened to me last night. While attempting to put a gift idea list together, I realized that I don’t know what he needs/wants. I know he likes movies, but I don’t know which ones he has already. I know he likes games, but again, I don’t know which ones he has. And anyway, the only game console I own is my PlayStation ONE! For the life of me, I will not be able to pick a good Xbox game.

So, I got frustrated and my fight instinct wasn’t kicking in so I started thinking “Can I just blow him off? Tell him I’m not doing this shit anymore”.

So I sent him a loaded, vile question. Guess how he responds? He responds very nicely.

I guess that’s where I realized that no matter how bitchy or horrendous I get and no matter what vile things I throw at him, he will always respond nicely, sweetly. He’s always done this. I’ll get some horrible idea in my head and he’ll calm me down. Explain things in his own way. And voila, I feel better.

 I should relax. This is almost over. Eighty some days until I see him. And his wish will come true, we’ll wake up next to each other.

Maria’s word of the day: “Vile”

I was a bit accepting of the fact that he’s not here for the holidays. I mean, “holiday” is just another word used in attempt to make one day more special than another. But this morning he had sent me a message that said “this is the worst christmas ever”… and that’s what basically made me realize that I am not okay with the fact that he’s not here.

The first christmas we spent together, he had cauliflower ear and he had to get that drained. So at night he came over to exchange gifts and his whole head was bandaged up. It was a bit comical because he looked like a mummy. I remember laying there in bed with him, wearing the necklace he gave me.

The next Christmas was spent at his dads, or rather a few days before Christmas. That was the first night that we ever spent together, in the same bed. It was amazing. His grandma gave me a framed picture of him on his basic graduation day. Other than that, we didn’t exchange. I didn’t need anything.

This just sucks. I wouldn’t even be so upset if I just knew that he was here somewhere.  It’s not so much about me being with him right now, it’s more about the fact that he’s lonely and I can’t do a damn thing about it.

So…watched two sappy movies in a row. Not exactly sappy, but romantic comedies count as sappy when you don’t have someone next to you. The worst part was that each couple in the movies reminded me of us, because we say stupid things, because we do stupid things, and it’s funny, and it’s sexy, and it makes me happy.

I think tonight I just realized how much I miss him. I think I build a wall inside myself and I keep myself from really seeing how much I miss him, us. It really sucks seeing everyone in the hallways hugging, kissing, saying “I love you”, but I can’t do that. I think that the thing that eats at me the most is that there realy is no “end” in sight. Like I don’t know when I will see him on a regular basis.

I know, I know. “You chose this” blah blah blah. Yeah, I did. But I can’t help but want to see him and I can’t help but whine about it.

Only a few more months.

Just keep truckin’ till then.

Keep truckin’…